Just need to vent a little about just about everything – it hasn’t been a good couple of days.

Today I called the bariatric surgery clinic (15 minutes away) my doctor recommended, but they don’t take my health insurance. I called my health insurance, the closest place I can go to is one state over (it would mean a long train ride and a cab in a major city). I don’t know if I have the energy, time or money to go out of state for the surgery. It’s not just going for the surgery, but I would have to travel a great distance (which would definitely mean a day off from work each time) for all the followups for at least year. It was definitely a big disappointment, since I was very hopeful when my primary doctor had recommended it.

On top of that, Tuesday morning I felt like I had gained weight — so I hopped on the scale and sure enough I gained 5 lbs. in just 24 hours. I hadn’t eaten anything that would have caused it. I did go to a restaurant the night before — but I ate only salad greens and some green beans and used my own 0 calorie dressing I brought from home. The only thing I could think of was the smell of food in the restaurant may have triggered it. I have gained weight before from smelling food — if my husband cooks a corn beef I usually gain about 5 lbs.; other aromatic foods (i.e. cake or cookies) can trigger a 2 to 3 lb gain while they are cooking. Regardless of the reason it is still depressing to see the numbers on the scale going up so fast for no reason that is tangible.

Added to that all day Tuesday and Wednesday I was starving, within 10 minutes of eating I was hungry again and within 30 minutes I was starving. For dinner last night, I made myself a small piece of salmon baked in the oven and roasted califlower. That helped a little for about an hour. But by 8 pm I was so hungry I could barely stand it, my daughter had an open box of Crispex cereal she had just opened and tried for the first time and was raving about how much she liked them and asked me if I wanted some. The first three times she asked I was able to say “no thank you honey.” But the fourth time, I grabbed a handful. It didn’t do anything for the hunger, except make it worse, so I calmly told her to please take them in the other room. I felt guilty, I felt weak, and I felt like a complete failure — I had cheated on my diet plan!

***stands on soapbox***
A note about dieting around children: I try very very very hard NOT to impose my diet (or food problems) on my daughter and NOT make her over obsessed about food. She knows I’m eating healthy and wants to help so she understands when I’m feeling a bit tempted. When I say no to food, I just tell her I am not hungry. I never rant in front of her, I never make her finish what’s on her plate, when she is hungry I let her eat (even if she wants seconds) and when she isn’t that hungry she doesn’t have to eat. And I would never obsess about every bite she puts in her mouth or her calorie intake. She is a trim and active 10 year old. I want her to trust her body’s needs. The way I ended up in this mess being overweight I’m sure is rooted in an obsession with weight at an age that was WAY to YOUNG to be obsessing about food — I started dieting at age 14 to lose 5 – 10 lbs. Children should NOT be obessing about food – they should be learning to be active and make reasonable healthy choices most of the time. Parents who have food issues or need to lose weight need to evaluate they own food issues and obsessions and then try very hard NOT to repeat the same mistakes their parents made with them so their children don’t continue the cycle. Just look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself is this what you want for your child’s future? Remember how you felt when your parents nagged you, or tried to control your appetite, or wouldn’t let you have treats or eat in peace and just enjoy a meal, or forced you to eat more then you needed and then ask yourself do you want your child to feel that way? If you want your children to be happy and enjoy food and make healthy choices on their own — then DON’T put your obessions and issues on them.
***gets off soapbox***

Any way, the depression is kicking in big time today. The massive hunger seems to have lessened a bit though. I have been afarid to get on the scale again — I still feel the extra weight from Tuesday under my arms and other places. I’ll wait until Monday, my regularly scheduled weigh in day to try again. I really dont’ know what to do. I’m sticking to the plan that worked before — but it doesn’t seem to be working this time.

I have been researching medically supervised programs (cost is about $300 a month for shakes and other items) — they recommend 800 to 1000 calories a day and the weight loss is about 10 lbs a month. I only eat that much on my own any way, so not sure what difference paying for all that stuff would make. I’m not losing weight though. Maybe their shakes and bars have the right combo of protein and carbs. It’s something I can discuss with the doctor and perhaps try it for a few months to see it if makes a difference.

I keep redoing the math and 800 to 1000 is the number I should be using, I don’t think I can take it any lower. It is also recommended that you weigh yourself a few times a week — which I already do but it only makes me depressed.

People are always arguing with me about the calories (saying I should eat more) and the weighing in alot (saying instead I should weigh in less, like once a month) – they need to update their info. about the more recent studies rather then just repeat OLD info. from a few decades ago. Others love to recommend great diet plans they heard of — which only adds to my general frustration. The latest recommended diet was today – an infomercial for Michael Thurmin’s 6 week body makeover program (based on body type)- the person argued with me about how great it is (they haven’t tried it by the way). I just rolled my eyes – why would I spend $140 for some one to tell me to eat more then I am already eat and a booklet on info I am sure I already know about. Sure it’s probably a great program for some folks – but I’ve gained weight on almost every diet out there, I’m not paying for another. Besides it makes about as much sense as the “Eat foods for your blood type diet”.

No matter what fancy “name” someone wants to call a diet — it is only another way to control the amount of calories that goes in.

Unfortunately dieting is mostly about the math — you have to take in less calories then your body uses. And if you are a person who’s body has become super efficient and doesn’t use many calories — that means eating a whole lot LESS then other folks, (as well as increasing activity to use more).

(Note: according to all the calulations I’ve done on various calorie calculators I only need 1,400 calories a day to maintain my goal weight.)

Maybe next time I see the doctor I’ll have her write me a note that I can just have laminated and show any one who tries to argue with me so I can show them that what I am doing is medically approved.

Oh well this is just one of those weeks I have to put my nose to the grind stone and just plow through some how. On the positive side at least I have a primary doctor who so far seems willing to help me (unlike several previous ones). I am also going to look into some nutritional supplements. Since it looks like the stomach surgery won’t work out I will look into other ways to reduce my intake. I need to keep busy, research, take notes, focus on the bigger picture and long term goals as well just getting through each day one at a time. I need to feel proactive, otherwise I’ll feel totally depressed, frustrated, helpless, and doomed to be fat forever. And I just can’t live like that ! I can NOT live the rest of my live almost 300 lbs. — the heart and the body are wearing out any way, its too much pain (back, legs, etc.) to deal with on a daily basis, and I can’t stand not being able to do anything without huffing and puffing. Just going from the living room to the bedroom leaves me out of breath sometimes.

It will get better. It has to get better. I will get better !!! I will be healthy (if it kills me trying!! – not literally, just a figure of speech). Ok rant fest is over! Now back to our regularly schedule of posting.

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Currently Diet Pulpit is rarely updated. Lady Rose is now blogging at Blissful Moon, where she is staying healthy and continuing to have adventures, please stop by and visit.

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