There is an ongoing battle in my house - Us versus the JUNK!.  This battle spills over so that it sometimes causes tension between myself and Teacherman, for a variety of reasons most of which make no sense, but for some reason pushes both our buttons. 

Anyway, Sunday I left the house to go visit my mom for a couple of hours.  Teacherman and Angelgirl used that time to “straighten up” the living room - moving boxes out to the laundry room shelves, clearing stuff off the steps to the second floor and moving stuff from the top of desk, etc. 

When I first got home I smiled and thanked them for all their hard work, did a quick glance around and most of the things I needed to know where they were I could spot easily enough.   However, when I got up the next morning and headed upstairs I realized just how much had actually been moved.   This triggered my not so nice reaction that happens each and every time stuff is “cleaned” (translates to “shoved somewhere”) when I’m not home - my “anger” button ended up flashing red.  

Why you might ask?  Shouldn’ t I be happy I have a hubby who cleans up?   Yes, I should be.  And yes I’m very grateful.  

However, part of my reaction comes from that fact that this battle has been ongoing since the day we started living together (and that has been a veeeeerrrrrry loooooooong time).  I have asked over and over and over and over again, that instead of just shoving things to a new out of the way location where I will never find it, can’t reach it, and it’s lost forever in the bowels of choas, to PLEAASAASSSEEEEEE instead use that time and cleaning energy to HELP me sort the choas (i.e., the garage, the crawl spaces, the laundry room) so that we can make room to put things away in an organized fashion; rather then just shove more and more choas on top of the choas that already exists.

Needless to say at 5 a.m. I’m cursing and muttering under my breath and accidently wake up Teacherman, who rightly so gets his feelings hurt and gets angry with me.  

I quietly accepted the anger and apologized and stopped myself from getting angry in return,  and feeding into the same cycle we go through each and every time.     I am so very grateful he cleans, he also cooks, and is a terrific husband, father, and all around great person.  I chose to apologize, and decided to not get into an escalating battle because I sincerely want a solution rather then to just keep rehashing the same old battleground.  For me this is a big step forward.    

Part of what’s make me angry comes from the fact that physically I can not do as much as I wish I could - so I “feel” useless.   I know the boxes and clutter bother him (they get on my nerves too) and I truly wish I could do more about it.  But even if I didn’t have arthritis, congestive heart failure, etc. I am not strong enough to lift the heavy boxes and other things that are shoved in the gargae (and other areas) to get some sort of organization done.  

This little tiff was a little bump in the road, that could have burst my “happy” bubble I’ve been in since my trip to Womon Gathering (June 12-15).  Usually an incident like this sends me spiraling into my usual depression and beating myself up for being ”lazy, ungrateful, dumb, doing all the wrongs things, etc. etc. etc. etc.”    But I managed to stop and not get tangled up in a knot and fight about it. I accepted that I behaved poorly and my actions were not productive (but that doesn’t make me a bad person), and I’m going to make a schedule for myself for sorting and no matter what - ask for his time and energy to help on the weekends when I have time.   Being summer and he isn’ t working - he has all week to do fun stuff and relax.  So that will help me to not feel “guilty” about asking for his time on the weekends.  I will no matter what within the next couple of weeks get a shed for our backyard for storage. I have left this job up to him for six years now since we moved here, but I will now take on that responsbility so that if I get frustrated it’s of my own doing.  I will make labels for cabinets and shelves so everyone knows where to put something.  I will designate an area for boxes for donation, and things to be sold on ebay (hopefully - I always meant to do this just haven’t figured out how yet), and an area for boxes that have not been sorted yet.   And I’m not going to beat myself up if physically I can’t do a lot all at once, or if I don’t get it all done within a few months - it could take a year or a couple of years (trust me there is a TON of junk to sort through - six years ago we moved from a large house with huge amounts of storage to a small house and no storage, everything got shoved and stayed that way). 

As a last resort, I will just put 80% of the junk out for trash unsorted - but only after I find my engagement ring.  It is some where in the 999 zillion boxes out in the garage (I think).  I had packed up somethings, including the jewelry box with the engagement ring in it a box when our new bedroom furniture was delivered five years ago so that the delivery guys could easily set things up. Hubby, however, “cleaned” before I had unpacked everything, which meant he moved that box (along with others of things I needed) out of the bedroom and it’s been lost ever since in the depths of the choas in the garage.    Losing my engagment ring is just one example of why my buttons get pushed whenever I come home to find stuff “cleaned” because what it means is stuff was “shoved” and most likely something I truly need or love is now gone and it would take Indianna Jones to come along to find it in the bowels of my garage or crawl spaces.

I resist just throwing stuff out without sorting firse, because I’m worried my engagement ring and other valuabes could be lost forever.  Also I’d like to donate stuff and if possible sell what I can perhaps on ebay (we have somethings that are brand new packed away just no room for them).   I’ve tried several yard sales and even though we live on a major street I never sell anything - all the neighbors have yard sales and sell lots, but for some reason it doesn’t work for me. 

But my sanity and the peace of my household are more important, so if by next summer the junk isn’t under control or at least a major part of it under control, then I’ll cut my losses and pray nothing of real importance or great value is tossed out on the curb and just start trashing it all.

My biggest triumph from this incident is I am not letting this “bump” ruin my day or burst my bubble.  I can and will deal with it, one way or another.  I’m not beating myself up and spiraling into negative thinking, I’m going to take positive steps to deal with and improve the situation.     So for now I’m still holding on to my bubble of happiness and calmness, and avoiding letting the real world intrude on my little inner space of peace.   Junk will no longer rule my life (I hope!).

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