How to face a Monday morning when anxiety strikes and you really, really, really don’t want to go out that door and face the day?  

I don’t have a magic spell to make a Monday morning easier to face or a quick fix either, but I do manage to plow ahead and make it through the day and often it turns out to be a very nice day.  I do, however, rely heavily on the brewed potion called “coffee”.

My philosophy is to live each day to the fullest.  I focus on my family and the love we share, I try to smile, be helpful, and at the end of day give thanks to Universe for all the I have been blessed with.    However, realities of daily living, learned behavior, memories of the past, old habits (deeds, thoughts and emotions) often make it difficult to “experience” the day as one would like to.

Today was one of those days.  I woke up this morning with an exceptionally bad case of anxiety which seemed to come out of the blue for no particular reason.   It is not uncommon for me, but over the past decades, I’ve learned to just “plow” ahead any way in order to survive and I haven’t had a bad case of it in a very long time.  When it is at a particularly high level (like this morning), where all I want to do is hide under my covers, my stomach is in knots, my hands are trembling ever so slightly, then I know it’s time to dig deep, breathe through it, and shift through and clear out some more old thoughts, learned response patterns, fears from the past, habits, and emotional baggage.

First I examine where this vague anxiety caused by some unknown threat is coming from.  The thoughts that come to mind – perhaps today is the day I make a mistake and everyone knows I’m really not that smart and I get fired (our company now has a policy that you can be fired on the spot for any errors); perhaps today I’ll do or say something stupid or something else horrible will go socially wrong; followed by a stream of similar thoughts.

I use a lot of deep, cleansing breathing to breathe through the phsycial sensations and loosen the muscles and the knots in my stomach.  I use visualization to see myself safe and nurtured within the sacred space I have mentally created for myself (kinda of like an inner sanctuary or temple). 

And I also use what I call “reparenting” myself – where I gently, lovingly hold my own hand and talk myself through it.     I remind myself of who I am, that I am bright and capable, and that I do very well at work.  If the worst happens, I’d survive, it would be their loss if they let me go over a silly mistake.   I remind myself that I can let go of childhood fears and that I am now an adult.   Sure there are things I have no control of, but I am smart, resourceful, and tenacious and able to handle any situation.  I give myself the comfort and support I wish I had had a child.

I remember the first time I told my mother and step father I was afarid of the dark.  I was about 12, old enough to no longer fear the dark, but I still did.  Perhaps it was because of the large river rats that ran around our kitchen at night and that I could hear gnawing in the walls of my room and scratching at the bedroom closet door.  Or maybe it was because my step father had occassionally come to my bed pinning me in place, hand over my mouth so I couldn’t scream, creating a learned fear of helplessness and hopelessness.  Or it could be from a combination of any number of unpleasant, frightening childhood experiences.

My mother’s and stepfather’s response when I told them about my fear of the dark was to lock me in a dark room, alone, until I was no longer afraid.  At first I was consumed with terror and my whole body was shaking, but after awhile I stopped crying and decided if I just told them I wasn’t afarid I could get out of the dark room.   This was one of many early lessons where  I learned to bury the fear, to hide my feelings and “plow” ahead.

Plowing ahead can be an asset in some situations.  But I’ve found that burying fear only makes it worst, it festers and grows until it can take over almost every aspect of your life. 

So I had to find my own way to face the dark and over come the fear so that I could truly leave the dark room I was locked into by my mother and stepfather, in order to live each day in the light and not just pretend I wasn’t afarid.

It takes being honest with myself, accepting that I can allow myself to feel the fear and move forward any way, it means facing the past and being willing to no longer be a victim and instead chosing to be a survivor and live for today.      

Some days may not start out perfect and can seem to loom ahead like some vast gaping black hole, but putting one foot in front of the other and being gentle and comforting with one’s self, the day unfolds one moment at a time and I can stay true to who I am now, a person who wants to enjoy the day, smile, love and be loved, and be thankful for the blessings of the day.

For related posts see tag: Blog Raw (sharing raw honesty and opening up the secrets, bringing light and healing to the darkness).
For example: Sometimes you can only breathe.

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Currently Diet Pulpit is rarely updated. Lady Rose is now blogging at Blissful Moon, where she is staying healthy and continuing to have adventures, please stop by and visit.

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