When someone you care about is in pain, whether it’s physical, emotional or mental then you feel that pain too.   You want to help, comfort, and do what ever it takes to make things better.

How do you help a friend or family member when they are lost, stressed, overwhelmed?  How do you tell your friend or family member the truth that needs to be said, but at the same time not destroy the relationship, and not add to the stress?

I don’t have any answers, just a little advice - follow your heart, be honest, but most importantly be gentle, be supportive, and never force or insist on anything, and focus on helping the other person come up with their own solutions.   It’s a tough balance but an important one.   No matter what you do, you risk damaging the relationship, because it’s often extremely hard to hear the truth especially in a stressful situation and unfortunately most people shoot the messenger.

Without going into too much detail, two children very close to me are dealing with excess fears and unable to attend school, other children I also love dearly are dealing with even more severe emotional issues.  I love them all and their parents. 

It’s so hard to see people you love struggling and in pain.  It’s frustrating to see them in denial and avoiding the real issues, labeling the children as the problem, focusing on medication as the answer - instead of getting family therapy and resolving the core issues and cause of the problems.  You want to scream to the top of the roof “there is no medication in the world that is going to FIX the problem unless there is massive amounts of family therapy.”    But screaming would only make things worse. 

How do you get someone to realize that guilt, regret and denial are a waste of time?  That it’s time to the grow up and get over your fears, hang ups, and baggage in order to step up to the plate and be the parent and do whatever it takes to help your child - including family therapy even if you yourself don’t want to go.   

When a child has so much emotional turmoil and problems by the age of 12 then yes I’m sorry to say, the family is part of the problem.  My heart breaks to see the pain and stress that the children are in.  I feel like taking the parents and shaking some sense into them - but that would also make matters worse.   The situation is not a reason for guilt and “oh woe is me” - it’s a call to action and focusing on the children and the family as a whole.   Kids don’t come with how to booklets.  If there is a problem, then that means the whole family has to learn and get help to deal with it.   There are no perfect parents, there is no one way to raise a child, so put the ego aside for the sake of the children and get the input and counseling needed to deal with the situation.  If a child has a physical health issue people have no problem learning how to give an injection, work special equipment or do various kinds of therapy.  Why should it be any different when it comes to emotional or mental difficulties?    Why is it so hard to accept that the FAMILY needs to learn how to cope and deal with the situation in order to create an environment so the child can heal, have less stress, and not be made to feel hopeless and as if they are the cause for problems.

I’m certainly not an expert, and I am definitely not a perfect parent.  But as a someone who loves the people around me, and from the perspective of being able to see some of the truths and dynamics that are going on that those involved are blind too (simple because they are too stressed and too close to the situation), my heart aches for them and I wish they could just see that living in denial, not confronting the real issues, not being willing to deal with the core family difficulties is only going to make matters worse.  

With each new disaster that happens with the children I cry.  I want to shout  until someone hears me - “what is it going to take to wake you up to the truth and to get you all into family therapy?”    How much more pain does your child have to endure before the adults get over they stubborn denial and get the help they need to learn how best to help situation?  

I know I have my own issues and baggage too, and I hope my loved ones would be brave enough to tell me the truth when I needed to hear it.  If my child were in danger and I was unable to cope, I pray my loved ones would be strong enough to step in and get me to seek the help I needed.

I lived through a horrific childhood.   I know what it took to survive and heal.  I’ve studied counseling a couple of decades ago (almost got my master degree).   Hubby is a teacher and works with special ed kids every day (most are dealing with dysfunctional families and tons of emotional issues).  We have both read a lot on child development and brain development.   

None of this means anything though - I’m not an expert, I’m not perfect, I have no easy solutions or magic wand to make things better.   All I have is a bit of common sense, a touch of motherly wisdom, and a heart filled with love.

So I guess the answer to the question of how to help — rant, rave, scream and shout about it in a blog post until it’s out of your system, then bake a cake and\or cook up some one-pot meals for your loved ones, offer lots of hugs, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, all the love and support you can give, lots of prayers, and just the tiniest hint of advice now and then if asked for.

Rate:
2.5

Tags: , , , ,