Well Sunday was not a good day for me — but in other ways it was an enlightening and healing day.

I started the day with a great walk, the sun was rising and the birds were chirping. I headed to the left of my house up that slight incline of a hill all the way to the traffic light (and waited for the theme from Rocky to play when I hit the top) — then had an easy stroll back to my house. This was my second trip (I had the same walk on Saturday morning too) and felt good getting my exercise out of the way early. Then I did my 50 reps on the core flex (for abs) too.

Breakfast – Extend bar and cup of coffee. Lunch – romain lettuce with a little low calorie ranch (30 per tablespoon – 2 tbls) and a small can of water packed tuna. Dinner I had planned broccoli and two low fat hot dogs (45 calories each).

However – hubby made a big pan of baked macroni and cheese and a big ham. I really really really was NOT going to have any – but I did need to taste the mac and cheese because it was a recipe he was trying out as a possible menu item for the big birthday party we have planned next month. So I had one teaspoon full – and it was good, and ended up tasting the ham too – one tiny bite.

I had been watching the Workout on Bravo (two episodes back to back) and ate a ton of plain steamed broccoli — I was full, I was motivated – I am really getting hooked on the show.

BUT…I ended up back in the kitchen to get something to drink and I have no idea why – it was not any emotional binge or anything — it was just it tasted so good — I ended up with a spoonful of mac and cheese and small slice of ham in the bowl that I had my broccoli in. At first I was ok about it — after all, I didn’t binge, I wasn’t eating for emotional reasons. However, eventually I started feeling guilty, feeling like I was out of control, that I was weak, etc. etc. etc.

As I was trying to fall asleep later, my thoughts kept churning — I decided to put my own advice into practice and do some “reparenting” — first, I know I’m not “bad” or out of control and comforted that part of me that was feeling awful as well as working on changing the tape running in my head to more positive thoughts. I found that there was a lot of really deeped seated fear still buried inside – that I was going to fail any way, that maybe I wanted to fail (after all success was scary) — I decided that the irrational fears were something I just needed to squash and rip out the best I could (they were not a part of me that could be comforted or reasoned with – they were old tapes made by years of negative input and not really a part of me any more) — I confronted the fears and untangled them best I could.

I know there is more work to be done, and it was a good reminder that even though I have been on this journey to health for almost a year now – the old patterns are still there, the old habits can return if I’m not careful, the big black pit of depression is still there and if I’m not careful I could slip in again, the old hurts and fears will take time to work through — but that is OK – because I can do it! I can succeed. I can find ways to heal. And I was able to accept that I had “indulged” a little without being out of control which is a BIG accomplishment – because in the past I would have eaten tons of the mac and cheese after just one bite. So I have come a long way!

This morning, I’m feeling positive and motivated. The mac and cheese is packed up in containers and will be delivered to relatives tonight so no more temptation. I have my healthy eating plan for the week in place and despite the aches and pains continuing with my exercise plans for the week.

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