I’m feeling better and a lot calmer this morning plus I got some sleep last night. However, most of the reason I feel better is because I feel like I got control back and managed to keep my calories down to 800 yesterday (I did add in the calories for Crystal Light (40 calories for 8 glasses) and for dinner I had a skinless\boneless chicken breast (weighed for accuracy) for 300 calories since my hubby had three of them all nice and cooked when I got home. I took over an hour to eat it, by using my fingers and pulling small strips off at a time and nibbling - it was wonderful and I didn’t need anything else later that night.

Today I have planned 800 calories for the day. Counting the fiber supplements and the Crystal Light now will reduce my food intake, but I need to know I am NOT missing any calories at all and not fooling myself - NO more unaccounted for calories no matter how small, not even the 0 calorie spays!. I even measured out exactly two TBL of nonfat creamor for my coffee for the exact 50 calories (where as before I was just eyeballing it and probably using too much).

I’m rethinking the diet plan I was on a bit. I plan to just nibble a little a few times a day, enough to keep my hunger at a very low level (while imagining my body cleansing and losing and embracing the feeling of emptiness in my stomach) - learning the difference between enough and stuffed. I also reading more about how to keep my blood sugar levels from crashing and my electrolytes stable so that I won’t be dizzy or feel weak, and I am I keeping hydrated.

I realize that between yesterday’s overly dramatic irrational emotional response to the weighin and the new ever stricter controls I am enforcing on calorie intake are part of the bigger emotional issues I have with food and I’m using lots of positive reinforcements and working on changing my thinking. For I need to feel in control, as I heal physically and emotionally I am sure in time I won’t feel the need to be so obsessive about every little detail and calorie.

My docotor and previous nutritionist approved my 800 calories a day diet plan — however my irrational self feels if 800 was good then 600 is better - which I know isn’t correct and would be totally unhealthy. Even if I wanted to do, my body wouldn’t let me do less then 800 for very long any way because the hunger demon inside would just make me feel to physically awful and weak.

At this point I just need to focus on losing weight, and I will do everything I can also to take care of my health and nutrition. Once I feel a little more secure emotionally and when my weight gets to under 200 lb or so, I will probably be able to loosen up a bit.

I still have the fear that at my current 259.5 lb, I am still too close to 300 lbs and could return to that weight in just a couple of days if I wasn’t in total control. 300 lbs for me is an emotional trigger for total despair and depression so deep I can barely lift my head - and after years of yoyo dieting I find it hard to trust myself. Anything I put in my mouth right now seems to cause big jumps up on the scale moving me closer to that terrifying number - so I’m working on keeping myself emotionally calm (which means total control over food) and at the same time eat healthy to nourish my body.

The other fear I have is that I when I do eventually hit 180 - 190 lbs that I will NEVER lose any more (like I did the last time I lost over 100 lbs., then for several more months of dieting I never budged below 180 lbs., gave up and gained all the weight back and then more too). I will cross that bridge when I come to it, and in the mean time I am working to change my thinking and build up my confidence and knowledge of nutrition so that I can weather the storm should that plateau happen again. At least at that weight, I will feel a whole lot better physically and I will be exercising more by then also. Also if I increase my calories a little with healthy whole foods and gain a bit - I won’t be so devasted because the weight won’t be “close” to the terrifying 300 lbs. My plan is to stick it out at that point and focus on health and revitalizing my body, so that hopefully I can lose the rest of the weight slowly and calmly, with a more reasonable amount of healthy food - so that eventually I can maintain a healthy weight (goal 140 lbs) by eatiing healthy and enjoying food again.

Eat well and stay healthy - that is my goal!

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