Weight: 259.5 - weight gain this week 1 and 1/2 lb

This was the hardest post I have had to make so far since the start of my fatblogging. As I suspected, I gained from the events of this weekend.

Rationally I know it’s water weight (probably from having over 1000 mg. of sodium for three days), but my first response was anything but rational. I’m calmer now, but I am also too tired to do much else other then keep my eyes open barely, and I was able to eat very lightly today with out to much hunger - so my emotional insides are at least quiet for a little bit.

I am exhausted from getting home late last night (or rather early this morning) - so emotionally I am much more fragile then usual. I know I’ll be better in a day or two once I get some sleep. However, this morning was NOT good at all — I thought I had prepared for the weight gain - I knew it was coming (see my previous posts from Friday and Sunday) — but I ended up sobbing uncontrolably for about 10 minutes, then went on a rampage of irrational behavior to take control — I did write down what happened and thought long and hard about whether to post it or not — I recognize it’s totally insane, and hestitated about sharing it openly — however the point of this blog to is to be honest and accountable. And that means even in the darkest moments, shedding light on it and talking about it is a step in the right direction to getting healthier. I know I definitely need a lot more work on getting over the emotional stress over weight and food, and helping myself to heal emotionally as well as physically.

WARNING LONG RANT AHEAD - So here it is, raw and unedited, the ranting I wrote up earlier about what happened this morning when I got on the scale (common sense flew out the window and exhaustion and stress and a touch of insanity took over for a little bit):

Even though I tried to be strong and prepare myself emotionally for the results of this weekend (Friday out to eat at a chinese buffet - even though I only had salad, green beans a tiny bit of fish — only some tomatoes and a banana the rest of the day (total 850 close approximation), Saturday salad for lunch, veggies and chicken for dinner, 1 small no fat 60 calorie (so the shop says) soft serve ice cream, and three bites of just cheese from a slice of pizza and 1 bite of the crust (from my dauther’s left over slice before she threw the rest out), 1 diet soda (total 890), and Sunday only plain lettuce at lunch time (50 calories) and a subway sandwich (560 calories) at the tailgate before the concert with no cheese, no dressing, lots of lettuce, cucumber and onion), 1 diet soda — I gained 1 1/2 lbs this morning for the official weigh in — and I was totally crushed, crying, angry and out of control - (plus I’m exhausted from not much sleep, got in late from concert last night, so I had a really hard time talking myself down off that emotinal ledge since I’m really tired). I knew when the weekend started when hubby first said he wanted to go to eat (I smiled to be nice and said sure) I would gain — I knew it in every fiber of my being — even though my calories were under 1000 (they were over 800 - my limit), plus I had very little control over the sodium — which I estimated the best I could to be under the 2000 mg (ok for a normal person), but over 1500 mg limit the doctor told me, and WAY over the limit of 500 to 800 mg I try to keep for myself on most days. I am angry at myself, I was furious with hubby - and I plan on making it 100% crystal clear to him that I will NOT under any circumstances EVER go out to eat again!!!! If I am forced to - I will drink water and nibble lettuce - nothing else. (I have taken all diet dressings, 0 calories sprays and seasonings off my allowed list - since anything that resembles making a food taste better will only encourage eating - and I will NOT eat.) I packed up all the food sauces and other healthy low sodium stuff that I hadn’t used yet and put it all into a box, took the new food steamer and crockpot still in their boxes and shoved it ALL three boxes to a far corner with a big blanket on top — OUT OF SIGHT never to be touched again — I never want any food that tastes good, I never want to cook again, or eat again if at all possible. (GEE can we say over reaction) - but it was the only way to get myself to stop crying. I wanted to take them to the curb for the trash men to take away — but figured hubby would get upset since we just got them on Friday (they will eventually make it to the black hole of the garage I’m sure and I will never see them again) — just a few days ago I had the delusion I would start cooking healthy meals we could all enjoy — NO NEVER NOT GOING TO HAPPEN — this woman is never eating again, and when I have to it will be bland, tasteless, and almost inedible! So there! **stomps irrational foot in defiance** I am in control! I then made myself a big note and taped it to my bedroom mirror — Promise to myself - I will never, never, never ever eat anything again that is not on my list of allowed foods, signed and dated! And that list of allowed foods got VERY VERY short this morning. (GEE can we say just a tad irrational.) It may seem extreme but I was almost unconsolable this morning and it was the only way to get myself to stop crying - and since I had to go to work upset or not, I had to at least get the irrational part of myself to cooperate to leave the house and let it vent a bit and slap on the controls big time for now. So far today I have had an apple (100) and a bag of frozen mixed veggies (175 calories), 2 fiber tables (16 calories), 3 tsp of fiber powder in my crystal light (60 calories! Yikes — wish I had looked before I bought it — but I am hoping it helps keep the hunger pains down). And yes I am now even counting calories in fiber supplements !!!! And no more 0 calories sprays — since they are just lies — everything has some calories, it’s the labeling laws that allow for it to say zero. So far the total is 405 calories for today. If I get really lucky I will only need to have a bag of frozen broccoli (150 calories) tonight. (I hope I won’t need to eat any more — but that is unlikely) — but a total of 555 for today I think I can live with for now. I wouldn’t have eaten anything at all except liquids - but I have to work and I can’t work if I pass out. Now with our vacation next week — this should be interesting. I had planned are making a few meals and freeze them to take with us - so we could all eat healthy together (me, hubby, daughter, and my mom). We are staying at a town house with a nice kitchen. And we only have one night with dinner reservations at a buffet. So even if we went out other nights - I wouldn’t need to eat (just plain lettuce and tomato) and come back and eat something I had prepared. Now however, I don’t plan on bringing anything for anyone — except some fruit, air popped pop corn and maybe a few veggies for me. I will eat only because I have too, and only enough to keep me from passing out — the rest of them can go off and do what ever and eat — I will not let them drag me out to eat, I will try my best to make it through the day and sight see etc. so I’ll allow myself a few extra calories in popcorn and fruit, and veggies so I can hopefully function, but that’s it. When I get back from vacation this is the plan — NO more popcorn, very little fruit — only veggies when absolutely necessary to keep from fainting. No more 0 calorie sprays. NO potatoes, no peas, no celery (too much sodium). Just the minimum amount of fruit and veggies I need to not pass out, and only because I HAVE to a tiny amount of protein (3 oz or so) of protein. I will be control, I will not go out to eat, I will not be around friends or people who are eating. I will stop looking at recipes. I will stop watching the food channel. I hope to be more rational tomorrow, after some sleep — but I know I need a few days of 600 or less calories to soothe my inner demon. After that — I’m sure my other inner demon will force me eat *sigh* — I just hope I can keep my smile painted on my face, and survive the battle and not ruin our family vacation next week with my insanity.

Yes I know it was a bit of an over reaction to say the least, but sanity has returned and once I get some sleep I will be feeling much better and I will be able to think clearly and common sense and healthy choices will once again be in charge.

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